Family Stress

In the past six months, two of Daniel's grandparents had died. His parents had been emotionally involved and preoccupied during their illnesses and deaths and since then, had been busy making decisions, selling their house and taking care of property settlements.

Now Daniel's uncle was very ill and his father's job was in jeopardy. His parents did not want to tell him about either problem - fearful that they would burden him unnecessarily. They agreed that it would be better to wait, and if worse came to worst, they would tell him then.

Daniel's teacher had been worried about him. Last year's teacher reported that he had never been any trouble. In fact, he had been a model student - made good grades and seemed happy and content with himself.

This year had been different. The teacher had not been able to reach Daniel. Several times, when she called on him, he didn't know the question. Many other times, she found him daydreaming and more often than not, his work was incomplete.

Today was report-card day. She hated to give them out. Daniel had never made any C's before, much less D's. When she gave out the report cards, she watched his face. It turned ashen and he put his head down on his desk. When the other children were leaving, she asked Daniel to stay back. He began to cry.

"What's the matter, Daniel?" she asked with concern.

"I'm scared to go home. My mom's going to kill me. I know she is. I've never gotten a D before. Wait until she tells my dad."

"Do you want me to call your mother, Daniel?"

"No, that's all right."

The teacher felt awful sending Daniel out with his report card. She didn't know what else to do, though. She felt that she had been generous to give him the grades he got. He really deserved worse.

The next day when Daniel came to school, he put the report card on her desk without a word. He remained quiet and sullen all day.

When families are preoccupied with stressful situations, such as death, illness, divorce or unemployment, children are affected. We tend to think we can spare them from reality and discuss our concerns and worries when they are not around. When they come in the room, we whisper or change the subject. Instead of sparing the child, we are, in fact, causing him additional worries.

Children are wonderful detectors. They sense when all is not well with us. When we fail to tell the child what is going on, this conveys one of two messages to him: "It is so bad, they can't tell me," or "It must be my fault and they don't want me to know."

Children show their anxiety in a variety of ways: Some become preoccupied and cannot concentrate (such as Daniel); some become depressed and withdrawn; others show their worry in their behavior (become difficult, mischievous, aggressive, argumentative, or "too good"). Still other signs are more obvious (lying, stealing, wetting their pants, or waking up several times a night - unable to sleep).

All of these behaviors are indicators that the child is trying to tell us something. If he could speak what is on his mind, it would probably be, "What is going on here? Why have you been sad, withdrawn, secretive? Is it my fault? Where am I in your life? How important am I? Please don't forget me."

It is much fairer to children, when stresses impact our lives, to include them in the conversation -- tell them what is going on -- why we are sad and what we are worried about. The known is something the child can deal with -- the unknown is like the unattended cavity in the tooth. It spreads and does more damage, gradually and eventually destroying the tooth.

Children can deal with truth and reality. It is the unknown, the mysterious, the secrets - that baffle, confuse and eat away at the child and cause him to lose his zest for living.