Power Struggles
By Katharine C. Kersey, Ed.D.
Old Dominion University
Mother was bringing Katlyn (5) into the daycare at 6:40 a.m. As they were
passing the snack machine, the child whined and reminded her mother that she
always got a morning snack from the machine.
Mother, in a very harsh tone, pointed out that she was already late to work
and that she hadn't brought her purse inside with her. Katlyn's whimpering
and crying got louder.
"You don't need a snack every morning," Mother tried to rationalize. "You'll
get breakfast here in a few minutes. Besides, it's raining and I don't want
to go all the way back to the car just to get some money." Katlyn continued
to carry on, crying and whining. Mother finally gave in, "OK, then, I'll go
to the car and get my purse. Just be quiet. I'll be right back."
Katlyn settled down and happily sat down to wait for her snack.
This child learned that, with enough crying and carrying on, her mother,
already in a hurry, would give into her wishes and get money, even though it
was inconvenient and unnecessary. She learned that she had the ultimate
power, because her mother would back down, especially if she threw a fit.
She learned that she could win a power struggle.
Parents need to think twice before they start something they don't want to
continue - such as playing on the horsie at the supermarket, getting a toy in
every store or a treat on every trip. This mother has gotten into a bad
habit - of buying the child a snack from the machine every morning on her way
into daycare. Katlyn has begun to see this as a "right," and not a special
privilege.
We need to make sure that our children can take "no" for an answer. When we
tell them that we cannot do something, such as 'going back to the car in the
rain,' or 'make ourselves late for work,' we should not let their
protestations (and bad behavior) change our minds and actions. If we do,
they will get in the habit of begging, crying, whining, and carrying on -
when they are told that they can't have their way. No one thinks well of a
child who tantrums, and eventually, both the child and the parent, lose
face, dignity and their own self respect.
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