Taking the DISTANCE Out of Long-Distance Grandparenting

When I found out that my 2-year-old grandson, Eric, was going to move 8,000 miles away from me, to Guam, my reaction most closely matched that of a friend who told me, "If my grandchild moved that far away, I would absolutely die!" And I thought I would, from a broken heart.

For months before Eric left, every time I was with him, all I could think about was that soon, I wouldn't be with him, and I found it difficult to sleep or eat or concentrate. Yet, when the time finally arrived and he left, I began to realize that there was nothing I could do to change the situation -- that the only thing I could change was my reaction to the situation. So I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and started thinking more about my grandchild, and what I could do to make the transition as easy for him as possible.

First of all, I did two things that a family therapist suggested:

1) I packed up a box of toys from my house that my grandson especially liked and sent them to his new address, so he would still feel a connection to my house.

2) 1 bought a little photo album (with Mickey Mouse on the cover) and took pictures of the family, as well as of certain things in or around my house that Eric is fond of -- a musical Teddy bear, a toy ice cream truck, my dog, etc., and wrote captions under each picture. (Always the school teacher, I speculated that maybe those captions would help him learn to read?) According to my son, the toys from my house and the little album made a solid hit with Eric!

After Eric moved away, I have found, both by comparing notes with other "long distance grandparents" and by trying my own ideas, that there are many things one can do to keep the relationship between you and the grandchildren alive and well. Here are some ideas that have worked well for me:

*Audio cassettes can be used in many different ways, and your grandchildren can play them over and over again. Younger children, ages one to three, can understand a cassette "letter" more easily than a written one, and even for older children, cassettes are more personal than a written letter. Shortly after Eric moved away, I sent him a cassette, which I called "Eric's Friends," on which I recorded the voices of people who are important to him. Some of the people I recorded in person; others I taped over the phone, by purchasing an inexpensive phone recording device. Each person said something different, to remind Eric of the special times they had shared with him, and at the end of the message, each would ask, "Do you know who this is?" so it would be like a little game for Eric.

You can read story books on the cassette, and mail the book along with the tape, so the child can turn the pages and look at the pictures as he hears you read the story, or if he or she is old enough, to follow the words himself as you read them aloud.

*Video tapes. Whoever invented the video camera must have been a "long distance grandparent." If you can't see your grandchildren in person, and they can't see you, the next best thing is seeing each other on video. If you don't own a video camera, try to borrow or rent one. Eric turned two a month after he moved away, and knowing that we couldn't be with him to celebrate his birthday, I gathered the whole family together to make a "Happy Birthday" video. We all wore birthday hats, including the two family dogs; we sang to him, and recited his favorite nursery rhymes and stories. Making the video gave us the feeling that we were part of Eric's birthday celebration even though we are 8000 miles away. I now make a video tape of the family every time we are together for a holiday, and, of course, each of us always has a special message for Eric.

You can video tape yourself reading story books aloud, and send the child the book along with the video tape. Like audio cassettes, video tapes can be played over and over again, as often as your grandchildren wish to see them. (I always pull out the little tab on the side of the tape, so it can't accidentally be erased or taped over).

* Photographs, of course, are one of the best ways to take away some of the distance. I continue to send Eric photos of the people and things he most enjoyed here, as well pictures that were taken of him and me together before he left. I also sent Eric an 8-by-10 photo of my husband and me, which I hope is hanging in a spot that he has to pass often.

* Gifts certainly will help keep you in your child's thoughts, and they don't have to be expensive. Even if you're not too handy with crafts (as I'm not), you can make simple things that appeal to children: sock puppets, yarn dolls, and little houses or farms from shoe boxes or other small boxes, for which you can purchase inexpensive animals and figures at discount stores. Find out about little things your grandchildren want and send them in colorfully wrapped packages. Whenever you send your grandchild a gift, ask his parents to show him your picture, so he knows that the gift came from you.

*The Internet has become a godsend for grandparents whose grandchildren live far away because there are so many different ways to make that distance seem shorter: corresponding back and forth via e-mail; sending interactive, musical greeting cards. (You can send these free of charge from a number of different Internet companies. My favorites are "www.bluemountain.com" and "www.cardboulevard.com." For every card you send from "cardboulevard, by the way, a contribution is made to The American Cancer Society); even talking to each other through a microphone attached to the computer and seeing one another ("live") as you speak, thanks to a wonderful invention called a "web-cam." (The image you will see on your screen will be small, but big enough so that you can see your granddaughter doing the hula dance in her new Hawaiian costume, or your grandson petting his new puppy). Although these web-cams started out quite pricey, you can now purchase one at an electronic equipment store (where they sell television sets,VCRs, etc.) for around $125, or perhaps even less. There has to be a web-cam at each end, though: at yours and your grandchildren's.

* Phone calls from you, of course, will be very important-to you as well as your grandchild. When you talk to your grandchild, mention the names of people and things with which he is familiar. Repeat the child's name and the name he calls you several times during the conversation. Even if your grandchild is too young to carry on a real conversation with you, he isn't too young to listen and to learn to recognize your voice..

* Visits. Naturally, nothing can take the place of visits, you to your grandchildren, or your grandchildren to you. How often these visits take place will depend on individual circumstances -- finances, work schedules, other family commitments, etc When you do visit your grandchildren, or they visit you, try to arrange special times to spend with them, without their parents. This will help you and your grandchildren become re-acquainted, and will also give the parents some time to themselves, for which they will be very grateful. Take the children to places they especially enjoy, and to places they have never been. Arrange for quiet time in the house to be alone with each child: to read stories, exchange confidences, and to give some extra hugs and kisses.

I won't pretend that I don't wish Eric still lived close to me; I miss him terribly. But soon after he moved away, I realized that I had two choices: to feel sorry for myself (envying those friends whose grandchildren live close by), or to put that negative emotional energy into the more positive, constructive attitude of viewing long- distance grandparenting as a creative challenge -- a challenge to think of things to do for and with my grandchild that will keep me in his thoughts. I chose the latter, knowing that "out of sight, out of mind" is only true if you let it be.