The Win-Win Way to Resolve Family Conflicts

"I walk in the door and I'm tired. I want to enjoy my kids and my family time-instead every evening I am sucked into one conflict or another between the kids-and I am trying to get undressed, get dinner started, make some calls and check their backpacks for school messages and homework. They fight over their toys, the TV, their chores and when I step in, no matter what I decide they cry "Unfair!" They keep it up until I start yelling. They start crying. Doors slam. And now we are all mad at each other and even more tired. I want one evening where we just enjoy each other's company. Is that too much to ask?"

Does this sound familiar? For many, the "meltdown hour" is that time between coming home and eating dinner. Kids are wired from school, sports, after school programs or daycare. One or both parents are trying to transition between their roles and responsibilities outside the home with those inside. And most would enjoy some quality time as a parent rather than play the referee or disciplinarian.

Using some well-tested conflict resolution techniques can help. Conflict resolution is a way of resolving problems between two or more people in which the people in conflict look for an answer that is fair or agreeable to everyone. Think that's impossible with your kids? Actually, many schools throughout the country teach conflict resolution techniques and have peer mediation programs in which kids who are trained in these techniques help other kids resolve their conflicts. You may also be familiar with conflict resolution if your company has offered workshops. What works for corporations and school systems can also work in your family.

You can start looking for win-win solutions in your family by helping your kids practice conflict resolution techniques with each other. Here is how conflict resolution helped resolve one recurring conflict between two siblings.

"Whenever I come home, Jennifer is furious with her younger sister, Amanda, because Amanda has gone into her room and "touched" her things. Amanda knows she is supposed to respect Jennifer's privacy, but she just can't seem to help herself from sneaking in there. Jennifer, on the other hand, has been punished because she freaks out so much over this she has actually hit Amanda. We haven't come up with anything that works."

Step One: Decide what the problem really is. Why does Amanda insist on going into Jennifer's room? Is she just disobeying or is she trying to get more attention from her older sister? Is she curious about growing up and wants to copy her sister? Is Amanda feeling neglected (it doesn't have to be true-just true she feels that way) And, why does Jennifer get so upset with Amanda? Is she a little jealous of her younger sister? Is she stressed out from too much schoolwork or too many activities and need some private space? When problems have existed for awhile, the original conflict or real problem may get hidden. Find some calm time to sit and talk with the kids-when no favorite TV shows are on and the phone isn't going to ring to compete for everyone's attention. Go out to a park or favorite spot or sit around the kitchen table with a bowl of popcorn. Set some ground rules: Each person gets a chance to speak without interruptions. (Use a kitchen timer if you have an especially long-winded family member!) Each person must focus on listening. One way to ensure that people really listen (and not spend the time thinking of their rebuttal!) is to ask people to restate what they just heard using sentence starters such as "I think you just said..", "I heard you say…" "I think you meant…" or "Can I summarize what you just said?" And all family members watch their language-no accusations, no name-calling. Instead, each person starts with "I think" or "I feel." Starting sentences with "I" keeps other family members from becoming defensive or feeling attacked.

Step Two: Once everyone has agreed as to what the true problem is, brainstorm a list of solutions. When brainstorming, all ideas are equal-none are considered silly or unworkable. What you want is a list of ideas to which everyone has contributed.

Step Three: Choose a solution. Some will stand out as better than others. If agreeing on one solution isn't possible, pick two or three and alternate using them.

Step Four: Agree to act on the solution. You can make the agreement more formal by asking everyone to sign a family "peace treaty."

The solution that you ideally want is one that presents a win-win solution-in Jennifer and Amanda's case, where both girls feel they have won.

If both girls are punished, they both lose. If either Amanda or Jennifer is punished, one wins and one loses.

So how do you get both girls to win?

In this case, Amanda truly looked up to her sister and wanted to be more like her. She felt Jennifer was shutting her out. Jennifer was feeling overwhelmed with school and a full weekly schedule of activities. She was afraid to admit that she wanted to quit some of her activities. The win-win solution that the girls agreed to was that Jennifer chose her two least favorite activities and her parents wrote notes to explain her leaving. Also, once she understood that Amanda was not trying to make her crazy but was just trying to be more like her older sister, Jennifer agreed to a regular time each week when the girls would do something together. For Amanda, knowing she would have promised time each week with her sister was enough to get her to respect her sister's privacy the rest of the time. For the girls' parents, one escalating family issue was resolved and a system set in place so future conflicts could be halted early on. Now, when any family member feels that a conflict is brewing, he or she can request a family meeting to talk about the issue.

The four steps of conflict resolution are worth trying-for big issues or small. And think of the added benefit--uninterrupted time set aside for a family to be together and just talk.