If the Nail Sticks Up…Overcoming Peer Pressure

By Karen Unger, MA

A Japanese proverb says” If the nail sticks up, hammer it down.” Do you sometimes feel like that nail? Everybody is pressuring you about one thing or another-the way you dress, the things you do in your free time, the choices you make- you are under a lot of pressure to conform to the group. Few people like to stick out from the crowd. Blending in is a lot more comfortable; yet, sometimes, the pressure to blend in-and the stress conforming causes-can be very uncomfortable.

For example, you may have friends who are into body piercing-tongues, eyebrows, or various other body parts. They like how they look and the attention they get, and their parents went along with it. Now they are trying to convince you to put a stud in your nose. You really, really don’t want to- though you haven’t let on how strongly you feel about it because:

a) you hate the idea of any permanent hole being put into your body

b) you don’t even like getting shots- the thought of putting a hole through your nose and popping a stud in and out of it makes you feel ill

c) your parents would ground you until you were old enough to enter a nursing home

d) you are underage and would have to get the piercing done illegally- and you are nervous about the diseases you can catch from needles (like AIDS or hepatitis)

e) you just don’t like the way it looks-it’s not your style.

So, you are afraid to let your true feelings be known- does that mean you get pressured into doing something you really don’t want to do??? No, what you need to do is to have a plan ready to overcome peer pressure. Your plan -and a little practice- will make it easier to say no.

Be Prepared Before the Pressure Starts

Step One:

In your universe of friends, who is applying the pressure? If just one or two are the heavy culprits, get your other friends on your side. If you are being pressured by the whole group, then you may want to think about who you are choosing as friends. Are you being pressured a lot by this group to do things that make you uncomfortable? Do you often feel at-odds with the actions of the group? If you do, you can try distancing yourself gradually from them and start looking for some friends whose values and activities are more like yours. Try after-school clubs, youth groups, neighborhood groups, sports associations, hobby clubs and school clubs as places to find some new friends. If you are now part of a group which is doing some very high-risk or illegal things, you have to think very hard about how to remove yourself from the group right away. Talk to an adult you trust about what steps you can take to protect yourself.

Step Two:

When you are alone or with a buddy you trust, practice what you can reply to a pressure situation. You could try:

a) Making a joke. A friend offers you a cigarette. You tell him you are hoping to get kissed today and a mouth smelling like an ashtray isn’t going to help you. Using your sense of humor is a graceful way to say no.

b) You could also just say no- quietly, but firmly. If you say no as if you really mean it, you can get the other person to back off without having to go into all your reasons why.

c) Think of some other excuses. For example, a friend wants to copy your homework. You could say, “ I haven’t finished it yet.” Or “ It was so hard I am waiting for my Dad to come home and help me with it.” A friend wants you to go drinking. You could say, “I have to run in the morning. I can’t miss my practice.” Or “My parents would kill me- thanks anyway.”

Step Three

Think about your values and what you believe in. Your family, culture, religion, ethnic group, race, and many other factors form your value and your beliefs. During your teen years, you may find that you and your peers question your family values. That’s a normal part of growing up. You are looking to see where you fit as an individual within the world outside of your family. But, questioning your values does not have to mean that you do things that are dangerous or unhealthy, especially just to fit in with peers who are pressuring you. What is helpful for you to do is to spend some time thinking about what you really believe is important and what your values are. You can write in a journal or notebook. You could talk with a family member, an older brother or sister, an adult you trust, a counselor or religious leader. Once you have a strong sense of what you believe in and what is important to you, you will find it much easier to stick up for yourself and do what is best for you-not what is best for others.

Step Four

Finally, be good to yourself. When you are stressed-out or exhausted, handling peer pressure may seem just too hard to do. You may be dealing with lots of homework, a heavy schedule of after-school activities, even a part-time job. You need to build energy. Go for a walk, exercise, play a sport. Skip the empty junk food calories and try to eat healthily. Practice a hobby, read a book, be creative, connect with positive friends, do some volunteering- all ways to gain mental energy and good feelings about yourself. By taking care of yourself physically and mentally, you will be much better prepared to handle any stress that comes your way- even the stress of peer pressure.